Thursday, 12 February 2015

An Open Letter to My Family (not very positive and not very attached)

Dear Steve, Lara, Sophia and Tatiana,

I’ve just sent you out into the cold with my screams still ringing in your ears. I can hear Lara going up the road repeating the same screams and accusations at all of you too. I hate when I get like this, and I hate that I take it out on all of you. I hate that I scream and shout and throw things and hit out because I am so tired and so stressed, and so completely and utterly worn out by everything.

It doesn’t help that I’m ill and never seem to get an hour to myself to rest. That every waking moment is spent doing things for our family. Not always the visible stuff, but all the invisible planning and money juggling and letter writing, the working desperately so that we can go on holiday or buy birthday presents for you. I am stressed all the time at the moment, anxious about so many things: money, our home, our car, our life, your education, all of it, and especially so worried about Lara’s SPD which seems to be manifesting more and more at the moment.  So many battles every day.

I don’t know where to turn for support. Most of our so-called friends have turned their backs on us in the past six years, the rest we barely see. I sent an e-mail out telling everyone about the SPD and had one reply. I think that tells us spades. Most of our families disapprove of our choices too, so we’re down to just your three grandparents. They have their own requirements and agenda, and often alas make the situation worse, so we try to involve them in any problems as little as possible. I’ve tried to make new friends for us but, with a few exceptions, largely been rebuffed. I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t know where to turn for help, I don’t know who to rely on. Daddy does his best but I’m the strong one so most of it comes down to me, and I don’t have anywhere left to turn.

Currently I am in constant fear that we are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should have stayed working full-time, put you in childcare, sent you to school, done things the ‘normal’ way. In my heart I think the path we have chosen is the right one, but we live in a one bedroom flat, we have a knackered old car, struggle with money juggles constantly, and live a life that most other people consider utterly weird. Will you grow up craving the latest gadgets, cars and other trappings of modern life? Will you curse your upbringing? Would you be better off at school being constrained, but on the flipside maybe trained to be quieter, more conventional, less wild, and with more friends? I simply don’t know what’s best any more. I’m worn out.

I love you so, so much but I feel that I am letting you down every day. I don’t know what to do any more.

All my love, always,

Your Mummy.


  1. Huge hugs lovely x

    It's so hard keeping all the balls in the air sometimes that something has to give sometimes.

    I had the screaming at my husband last night for similar reasons.

  2. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You have so much to cope with and I bet 99% of the time you manage to keep everything afloat. x

  3. I couldn't just read and close the page again, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, as mums & wives we take on so much that sometimes it's too much and we find the load too hard to bare, all I can offer you is virtual hug and a hope that things will be better soon for you all, take care of yourself x

  4. Don't be so hard on yourself, your doing the best you can juggling more than most. If you feel its time for a change see how they feel with school? but if it doesn't feel right weather the storm, sunshine always comes x

  5. Sending you hugs. It's hard and sometimes very thankless being a mum at times but know in your heart that you're always doing what you feel is best for your family. We all second guess our decisions when things feel rough. xxx

  6. I read this in my email and I really felt for you and what you are struggling with right now. I have two daughters with just a year and 2 weeks between them. Its my youngest's birthday today but she is 20!. My baby has grown up and has even left home. My eldest still lives with us and has recently undergone life changing surgery, which resulted in her having an ileostomy. She has been poorly since birth and trust me, I saw a decrease in friends at that time. Something I found so hard to deal with being in my early 20's. I have acted as her carer on and off (besides the normal mummy stuff) all her life. I ended up being a single parent at 29 as their dad was awful to me, so had the stigma of that to deal with. Then just as things were finally starting to pick up (had an excellent job as a PA and had passed my first year HNC in Management and Business), I got ill. Away went the job, the HNC was dropped and I felt like the worst mum in the world. I had sent myself such high goals and my plans to get us out of financial turmoil fell by the wayside. I too have lashed out in anger because I am in constant pain. My partner has to often work a 7 hour week and works up to 12 hours a day as he is trying to set up his own business. He has still been working for a company full-time until he is more financially stable. The guilt of me not contributing has torn me apart for the last 7 years, made worse by the loss of my sickness benefits a couple of years ago. To say we are struggling is an understatement. I have lost so many friends, recently childhood ones but I have gained so many more that actually love me, warts and all, be it in real life or online. People who don't care about my 'baggage'. As I am getting better at coping with my conditions, I have just singed up with an excellent recruitment agency to do temping work, I am soon to be setting up my own small gift business with my partner's sister and his own business with his best friend looks imminent, finally! My eldest has just started writing her first blog for an Osteomy care site and is becoming somewhat of an advocate for people in a similar situation as herself. My other daughter has an excellent job as an MUA and the light at the end of the tunnel no longer feels like an approaching train! If you had told me that all this would have turned out so well just 2 years ago, I would never have believed it possible. Its still early days but baby steps have and are still getting us there. Sorry about the size of this comment but I have only told you the bare bones of what we as a family have gone through. I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. Don't beat yourself up as you are clearly a brilliant mum, something to be very proud of. @JuJu_Carbo xxxx

  7. Seriously, one reply? What is wrong with our race that we cannot be there for each other? Hoping everything starts to feel manageable very soon - shouting is not always a bad thing, you've got to let those feelings out somehow xx

  8. I feel what you are going through. As my children grew older I seem to get sicker, my husband had to stop work to become my full time carer as I was no longer able to things for myself or the children. It took a few years of adjustment for us to settle down. Yes I've shoute, screamed, even thrown things. Now fifteen years later my children have grown up, infact I have four adorable grandchildren, no I can't play football or chase them but I can read (even via Skype), show them how to do crafts, make things with them, cards etc. What I'm trying to say is persevere one day there will be light at the end of the tunnel, until that time tell them how much you love them, apologies to hubby (I still do an awful lot of that as he's the one who get the brunt of my annoyance with myself) & don't be too hard on yourself.
    As for them wanting the latest gadgets one day they will all be working & can afford to buy them until that time, they will accept you can't afford it. Mine all have well paid jobs & are really not into gadgets, yes they all have a nice phone etc, but are not silly enough to want the next one because joe bloggs has it.
    Now go wash your face, put on a nice dress & enjoy the rest of the day. If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me via email or facebook. Hugs & cuddles. xx

  9. Sending massive hugs, take a deep breath and take one day at a time - you are doing a FANTASTIC job keeping all the "balls" in the air.

    I wish I knew what more to say but please know that you are loved and thought of x

  10. Your family is very lucky to have you as the driving force behind the decision-making. I support your lifestyle choices, some of which we share, some not (like we chose to send kids to school, though as you know recently, I have been rather sceptical about our choice). If only I lived closer, I could have had girls for a couple of hours. Our circle of friends is very narrow now, due to special needs of our older son, so I know exactly how it feels.
    If you want to talk and have a little rant, Skype is always there, and it's easy to catch me by the laptop. Hugs.

  11. No one really has the right to judge others' decisions, unless they're illegal, so don't worry about other people, if they'd have been real friends, they'd still be around. We all have a bit of a breakdown once in a while, it's actually perfectly normal! As far as whether they'll resent you because they weren't brought up with all the latest trappings, I doubt it, it's a generalisation, but those who are brought up with everything materialistically, but with parents working all hours, tend to be more resentful, those that don't have so much appreciate their parents more because they actually had time with them. Good luck, and keep up the good work xx


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