Dear Steve, Lara, Sophia and Tatiana,
I’ve just sent you out into the cold with my screams still ringing in your ears. I can hear Lara going up the road repeating the same screams and accusations at all of you too. I hate when I get like this, and I hate that I take it out on all of you. I hate that I scream and shout and throw things and hit out because I am so tired and so stressed, and so completely and utterly worn out by everything.
It doesn’t help that I’m ill and never seem to get an hour to myself to rest. That every waking moment is spent doing things for our family. Not always the visible stuff, but all the invisible planning and money juggling and letter writing, the working desperately so that we can go on holiday or buy birthday presents for you. I am stressed all the time at the moment, anxious about so many things: money, our home, our car, our life, your education, all of it, and especially so worried about Lara’s SPD which seems to be manifesting more and more at the moment. So many battles every day.
I don’t know where to turn for support. Most of our so-called friends have turned their backs on us in the past six years, the rest we barely see. I sent an e-mail out telling everyone about the SPD and had one reply. I think that tells us spades. Most of our families disapprove of our choices too, so we’re down to just your three grandparents. They have their own requirements and agenda, and often alas make the situation worse, so we try to involve them in any problems as little as possible. I’ve tried to make new friends for us but, with a few exceptions, largely been rebuffed. I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t know where to turn for help, I don’t know who to rely on. Daddy does his best but I’m the strong one so most of it comes down to me, and I don’t have anywhere left to turn.
Currently I am in constant fear that we are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should have stayed working full-time, put you in childcare, sent you to school, done things the ‘normal’ way. In my heart I think the path we have chosen is the right one, but we live in a one bedroom flat, we have a knackered old car, struggle with money juggles constantly, and live a life that most other people consider utterly weird. Will you grow up craving the latest gadgets, cars and other trappings of modern life? Will you curse your upbringing? Would you be better off at school being constrained, but on the flipside maybe trained to be quieter, more conventional, less wild, and with more friends? I simply don’t know what’s best any more. I’m worn out.
I love you so, so much but I feel that I am letting you down every day. I don’t know what to do any more.
All my love, always,