Thursday, 21 April 2016

Yesterday, I Walked Out


Yesterday, I walked out. I calmly got dressed, gathered some things together and walked out.

I am sick and tired of all of it. Sick of the children bickering, tired of them getting hurt doing stupid things. Sick of working till the early hours of the morning every night, tired of spinning so many plates all the time.

Sick of the toys everywhere, tired of the continual battle with clutter. Sick of living in five rooms, tired of not having a garden for my babies to play in. Sick of the autie meltdowns, tired of losing my little girl to this evil condition. Sick of feeling relieved when my children go to bed at night, tired of all the shouting, my shouting. When did I become one of those parents?

Sick and tired of feeling so, so tired. Sick and tired of all of it. But mostly of autism/SPD/ASD/HFA/Aspergers, whatever the hell this is.

I hate the way this thing has invaded our family.

I hate the moments it steals, the fun it ruins, the memories it invades.

I hate how it turns us against each other and drives us apart. I hate how we let it.

I hate the unpredictability, the way it changes from day to day.

I hate seeing my bright, happy, funny, clever little girl snatched away several times a day to be replaced with this evil, hurting, melting down monster.

I hate it. So I walked away.

But I’m Mummy, I’m their world.

I longed for their hands in mine, the feel of their warm bodies in my arms, their voices, their laughter, their sleeping faces next to me. Longed and longed for years before they were even born.

They are my world.

I’m the mama who labours without pain relief because how can such wonder hurt? I’m the mama who fights off midwives, health visitors, doctors who claim they know my body, my baby, my child better than me. I’m the mama who is sad that friends and family chose to walk away rather than accept our difference, but knows our choices and our children are worth all of it. I’m the mama who makes meals from nothing, who makes the mundane fun, who makes the imaginary real, and who stands by them and for them, whatever happens.

And autism/SPD/ASD/HFA/Aspergers, whatever the hell it is? I’ll fight it until I cope with it better, I’ll cope with it until I accept it, and I’ll love you fiercely through it all.

I’m the mama who takes your hand, meets your sad eyes and tells you to ignore the ignorant adults who comment loudly and mockingly on your behaviour in public. I’m the mama who holds you as you cry over yet another party you weren’t invited to. I’m the mama who tells you it’s their loss as we lose another new friend after they witness a major meltdown. I’m the mama who tells you every day that you are perfect, just as you are. Because you are.

I’m Mummy. Yesterday, I went home.


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13 comments :

  1. I totally get this, us ASD Mamas are fighters but we still need as little break every now & then xx

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  2. Wow, it's so emotional reading that & it's so very true. Respect to all mums & dads that go through it x

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  3. Oh I've been there so many times, it's so hard sometimes and it's easy to forget that we are people too as well as mum's. It takes takes something like this to make us realise. We can't fix all the problems but we can remember that we need care too and there are ways of making things better for us, probably very little ways but they do work. Then as you have seen, once we remember what it's all really about we go back refreshed and know that we can do it, we can take whatever is thrown at us. Just remember we don't have to be strong all the time, and that there are so many others that feel the same. We all NEED to walk out sometimes and your lovely post shows that xx

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  4. Your bravery shines through in every word you write. The fight rests firmly on our shoulders. I get that and also have times when I just want to walk out for a while. I'm not the parent I hoped I'd be but the parenting circumstances are often so very different whe your children have the challenges ours have. I hate being the fun police and having to calm things down to regulate my daughter. The fallout isn't worth the fun. I hear you. You are not alone xxx

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  5. I read this post last week and could feel the emotional angst you were experiencing. I have done this myself before, many years ago but for less significant reasons than yours. We are all human and sometimes it is ok sometimes to say or show that it's all too much for us too. #FridayFabulous

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  6. Wow. I don't have words. Thank you for this very honest and real part of you. Thank you for being vulnerable. This post is going to touch many mothers. As it did me! xoxo Sometimes the only advice is that there is no advice. Just a hand to hold yours through it all! x

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  7. This post is amazing - so raw and full of love. Thank you for sharing. You have strength and power in your words, in how you live your life and how you parent. Bless you all as you travel the journey together xx

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  8. Makes a change to see an "autism-parent" posting about our difficulties. Yes, I love all the positive posts about the awesome things they do, but to be fair that's often the minority.

    Thanks for sharing :)

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  9. Thank you for saying it as it is and I hope you can cope and accept it all soon xx

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  10. Thank you for such a heartfelt post. I have been there so many times. Then they do something completely out of the blue and it makes it all worth it . Big hugs and hope things improve xxx

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  11. Big hugs. I get this, I really do. X

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  12. You are such an amazing mother and did the right thing. I didn't and tried to keep going and it nearly cost me my family. Remember to get breaks for yourself x

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  13. What a brilliant way with words you have. Thank you and you are amazing x

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